11. I actually have to go to the bathroom real quick but I’m sure we’ll cross paths.

12. The Midwest phone escape works at parties too: This was wonderful but I don’t want to monopolize all of your time. And/or introduce them to someone else and vanish.

Also, have a buddy. My friend’s younger sister was getting crept on constantly at parties, so we had a hand signal she could give and I’d bluster into the conversation and start asking the creep questions about their hobbies with the enthusiasm and intensity of Huell Howser. Similarly, she’d pretend to be a GF furious at me for not paying attention to her if I was trapped by someone.

13. Let me ask you something, have you ever wanted to be your own boss? How does setting your own hours and working from home sound to you?

14. Say you have to go to the bathroom. Conspicuously leave your phone open with this thread in full view.

15. It was nice seeing you, but, I need to go find some food, my blood sugar is low.

16. Keep on selecting 1 when the conversation option comes up. Okay. Yeah. You’re right. Good talk.

17. Shout your story has grown tiresome, then feign an epileptic seizure.

18. Haha yeah, that’s really interesting! You know what that reminds me of? How the Jews control the media through their Zionist agenda.

Hey, where are you going? All I’m saying is Hitler wasn’t entirely wrong.

19. I start up a conversation asking them about the stupidest hypothetical I can think of, and if their response is boring, I’ll go on an endless rant about what I’d do in that situation.

20. One of the few good things about being a smoker. Just going out for a ciggy see you in a bit.

21. I set myself on fire and politely ask to be excused.

22. Hey look, it’s my bedtime.

Then just lie on the ground and pretend to be knocked out for a few minutes.

Do this often enough, and you’ll stop being in any conversations, its guaranteed to work.

23. So my voicemail is called Mother on my phone for situations like this. This also works with things like your own home number, the talking clock, any redundant phone number you can call. Even a free customer service hotline like your bank. Basically any free number you can call without being instantly cut off/risk someone answering.

Look at the phone so they cannot see the screen, Oh no! Sorry, just got an important text, I need to make a private phone call. Proceed to call Mother, who is actually just your voicemail service so you can be on a call, they see you’re on a call, and the giant letters say, mother. Then wander out of sight and find someone worth talking to.

It’s worked every time :).

24. You do not have anywhere else to go and have to be with that person: Try to change the conversation to something that you might enjoy talking about by picking up a word up from something they said and straight up start talking about it.

You want to get away from them: Listen, sorry, but I really have to go talk to this person about something, nice talking to you. Cya later. This works just fine.

25. My father would use a technique I called leaning in. If someone is talking to you and you want the conversation to end, lean in and act super interested and ask lots of questions. If you do it correctly, they’ll think they’re ending the conversation. I don’t know why it works. He was the master at making people go away without ever saying things like well, look at the time, I’ve got to get going.



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Last Update: November 2, 2017