AskReaders: What’s your good/awkward/funny story you’ve always wanted to share?

11-15 Good/Awkward/Funny Stories

11. I had a meeting at work one day. There were about 30 people in the meeting, and it was very important. It was only supposed to last 1-2 hours, but it went way over time. 3 hours after the meeting started, I really had to pee. But seeing as it was already an hour over time, I was confident I could hold it till the meeting was over. No one else had gotten up since the meeting started, and seeing as I’ve only been employed there for less than a month, I wasn’t going to be the first one to do so.

After 4 hours, my bladder was about to explode. I battled myself mentally, trying to convince myself to just go pee, while the other half of me didn’t want to make a bad impression this early in my career. Right as I was about to jump up and just go for it, they wrapped up the meeting. As soon as they dismissed, I jumped from my seat and ran straight to the bathroom.

I started unzipping before I had barely made it into the bathroom, and I was already peeing 2 steps from the urinal. I settled in at the urinal and unleashed a fire-hydrant load of urine. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who had to use the restroom, because there were more and more people coming in and using the toilets or standing along the wall behind me, waiting for the urinal to open up.

Not wanting to stand there and pee forever, I tensed up by bladder, peeing as hard and as fast as I could. I guess when you do this you also hold your breath. Either way, I pushed way too hard, for way too long. I started getting really light headed and lost my balance. I took 2 steps back and passed out, falling straight on my back. I was probably only passed out in the floor for less than 5 seconds, but that was plenty enough time for about 10 of my coworkers to see me stumble back, fall in the floor with my penis hanging out of my pants, and then piss into the air like an angel statue in a park all over myself and the floor.

12. My wife’s boss from her brand new job invited us over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife reiterated many times to me just how important it was to make a good impression. I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions. My wife’s boss is a single lady in her fifties, so it was just the three of us. We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off. She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly-appropriate jokes and my wife seemed pleased.

Soon she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak for each of us. As I began to cut into my steak, I was discouraged to discover how under cooked this steak was. Now, I’ve had my fair share of rare steak. I prefer medium, but I can handle rare. This was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare. I probably could’ve resuscitated the cow had I tried. Instead, I sat there fidgeting with my knife and fork, worrying about how I was going to get away with not eating this steak.

Claim vegan-ism? No, I’d already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak. Just then, our hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take care of some dessert preparations. As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this 3rd story apartment, a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head. I knew I had to be decisive, realizing that she could return at any moment. I committed. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window.

Here’s the big time FU. The window wasn’t open. It was the cleanest friging window you’ve ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake. My wife, whose steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of my predicament – turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.

My wife’s boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the window sill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.

I just didn’t know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably 3 or 4 seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was “I… I’m so sorry. I am such a clutz… I don’t know… I was just cutting it… and… it… it slipped… just ask my wife, I really am a clutz… right honey?… (no help coming from that direction) … I will clean this up… I can’t believe this… I am so sorry.”

Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story. I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak. I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. My wife’s only two words to me since the incident are “I’m fine”.

13. Let me tell you that I made a bad mistake one evening last week. My girlfriend (who let me tell you is only my 2nd girlfriend of all time) said I am “invited to dinner” with her and her parents. I was very aghast, nervous, and bashful to be invited to such a situation. But I knew it must be done. I met them nicely, I should tell you, and it started off in a good way. The idea slapped my mind that I should do a comic bit, to make a good impression and become known to them as a person who is amusing.

When I saw that baked potatoes were served I got the idea that it would be very good if I pretended I did not know what potatoes was. That would be funny. Well let me tell you: it backfired on my face. I’ll tell you how.

So first when the potato became on my plate, I acted very interesting. I showed an expression on my face so as to seem that I was confused, astounded but in a restrained way, curious, and interested. They did notice, and seemed confused, but did not remark. So I asked “This looks very interesting. What is this?” They stared at me and the mother said “It’s a baked potato.” And I was saying “Oh, interesting, a baked… what is it again?” And she was like “A potato.” And I was like “A ‘potato’, oh interesting. Never heard of a potato, looks pretty good.”

And then they didn’t see I was clowning, but thought I really did not know what is a potato. So I knew I would be very shamed, humiliated, depressed, and disgusted if I admitted to making a bad joke, so what I did was to act as if it was not a joke but I committed to the act of pretending I didn’t know what a potato is. They asked me, VERY incredulous, did I really not know what a potato is? That I never heard of a potato. I went with it and told them, yes, I did not ever even hear of a potato. Not only had I never eaten a potato I had never heard the word potato.

This went on for a bit and my girlfriend was acting very confused and embarrassed by my “fu*ked up antics”, and then the more insistent I was about not knowing what a potato is was when them parents starting thinking I DID know what a potato was. Well let me tell you I had to commit 100% at this point. When I would not admit to knowing what a potato was, the father especially began to get annoyed. At one point he said something like “Enough is enough. You’re fu*king with us. Admit it.” And I said “Sir, before today I never heard of a potato. I still don’t know what a potato is, other than some kind of food. I don’t know what to tell you.”

Well let me tell you he got very annoyed. I decided to take a bite of the potato, and when I did I made a high pitched noise and said “Taste’s very strange!” That is when the father started yelling at me, and the mother kept saying “What are you doing?” and my girlfriend went to some other room. Finally the father said I should “Get the fu*k out of his house” and I said it was irrational to treat me like this just because I never heard of a potato before. Well let me tell you he didn’t take that kindly.

In text messages I told my girlfriend I really don’t know what a potato is. The only way I can ever get out of this is for them to buy that I don’t know what a potato is. I wish I never started it but I can’t go back. I think she will break up with me anyway.

14. This happened a few years ago and I was living in Zimbabwe at that time, and I was having a pretty bad day, I was going to see my auntie who lived about 400km away from me. If you’re African you’ll understand that this was no small journey. So I got in my car and set off and about 3 hours into the journey I came across a Dude by the side of the road who was going in the same direction, so out of the goodness of my heart I said jump in. We go to talking and he happened to be going to exact same village as me and he knew my auntie!.

Half an hour passes and we’re making polite chit chat and reminiscing about old times in Zimbabwe, when all of a sudden he tells me to pull over, so I do. He runs out of the car and starts making wretching noises, so I assume he’s throwing up, its dark at this point so I cant really see much, so i go check on him (first mistake). I get out and go to his side expecting him to be there but he’s not. Then I here someone behind me and before i know it I’m unconscious! So I wake up a couple hours later(I know this because the sun was coming up at this point) without my car, clothes or wallet. I look around and see I’m on some farmland wearing this guy’s clothes. So I start walking in no particular direction and eventually come across a settlement.

I explain to them my situation and they tell me that the nearest main road is at least a good half a day’s walk from where I am and they don’t get many cars coming through this part but they heard one last night ( which might be our thief). I start walking in the direction they point me in and after what felt like forever I come across a road, so I pitch up and start waiting, (now i know most of you are thinking why not call someone, I had no phone with me and I don’t have the best memory so I didn’t know any numbers that would come in handy). After a couple of hours a car stops and lets me hitch. I let him know of the situation and he says we’re in the complete opposite direction of my intended destination but he’s willing to drop me close enough to walk the rest of the way to which I thought great!

Its takes a good two days to get there and he drops me off and I say my goodbyes to my driver, I take down his number so i can repay him later on. At this point I’m starting to recognize my surroundings. I walk for a few miles and as I’m getting closer to my aunt’s. I can hear lots of singing and what appears to be a large crowd which I thought was strange. I’m about 100 feet from the house and I see my son which again I thought was strange because he was meant to be in school at this time, but instead of running to me and hugging me as he normally does, he runs away screaming to my complete bewilderment. I get to the the gate and all of a sudden the large crowd alerted by my son’s scream has stopped singing and is stood silent. My wife appears and starts to run towards me hugging and kissing me like I’ve been gone for months. My auntie appears and immediately faints when she sees me.

I still have no clue what’s going on at this point and I’m exhausted, so we rush to get my auntie inside and I see my picture on top of a large box that resembles a coffin sitting in the living room.

So it turns out that the guy who robbed me and made off with my car my wallet and all my clothes was in a car crash so bad that they couldn’t identify the body and because the only things they could use to identify him was my wallet, they assumed it was me that had died in the crash. Since there was no body of sorts they could arrange the funeral pretty quickly and that is what I had stumbled upon. My son still has nightmares to this day and and my wife has told me never to pick up a hitch hiker ever again.

15. I had been setting this prank up for about 3 weeks and the fruits of my labor came to fruition in the fourth week.

Background: My wife and I are very healthy and we eat the same thing for breakfast every day, well maybe a solid 350 days a year. It is egg whites and toast. It has got to the point that if I don’t eat this for breakfast my entire day feels “off.” I put salsa on my eggs while she uses ketchup and she has to have ketchup or else she will not eat breakfast. We have a backup bottle or two in the pantry just in case she runs out.

First week: I notice that her bottle is running pretty low and she has to actively shake the bottle to get the last remnants out. We are pretty earth conscious as well, so nothing goes to waste, use until the last drop! There is still just enough left in the bottle that I can tell she is thinking that she shouldn’t recycle it just yet and puts it back into the fridge. I notice this thought process going on in her head and decide I should mess with her. Once we finish up breakfast she goes to get ready. I take one of the full bottles of ketchup and add just enough to the almost empty bottle so that she will have the amount needed for breakfast the next day. Breakfast the next day rolls around and she does the same thing adds ketchup to her breakfast and decides there is just enough to save and puts it back in the fridge. I again refill the bottle with just enough for the next day. I should also mention that she is short, I hid the refill bottle at the top of the pantry so she could not see that it had been opened and used.

Second week: After 7 days slyly watching her add ketchup to her breakfast I can begin to see an intrigued look on her face when she is prepping her breakfast. She doesn’t say anything, but you can tell she has taken notice of the bottle. This goes on for another 7 days.

Third Week: Breakfast continues to go off without a hitch and every time she adds the ketchup to her breakfast she gets a little twinkle in her eye, like she really really wants to say something about it, but doesn’t want me to make fun of her being crazy and thinking the ketchup bottle is never ending. To the point that she will look at me, start to say something and then stop herself change the subject and put the bottle away. I have never looked forward to breakfast so much in my entire life!

Fourth Week: She is on the verge of saying something everyday. Its becoming hard to not laugh while watching her add the ketchup to her eggs, but I am laughing hysterically on the inside. At this point I have used roughly a half bottle of ketchup refilling the other one. This is all I can imagine when watching her

On the final day: She adds ketchup to her breakfast and looks me directly in the eye and dead serious says, “John, we have a fu*king magical ketchup bottle.” I could not control my laughter and proceed to loose my sh*t while she tries to explain to me how she has used the exact same bottle of ketchup for three weeks and it has been almost “empty” the entire time. She now thinks I am laughing because of her belief in magic and she is trying as hard as possible to convince me that she is serious and it is magic. I proceed to go into the pantry, take out the half empty bottle of ketchup and place it on the counter. It all finally clicks in her head and at that moment the empty ketchup bottle clicked into my head, but don’t care because I made a magic ketchup bottle happen so I am essentially Jesus.

16-20 Good/Awkward/Funny Stories

16. My mom got me some chocolate covered pretzel bits for Christmas and they literally looked like sh*t. I told my parents and they said they look like pretzels and told me to stop being ungrateful. After everyone went to bed, I put a few of my chocolate pretzels outside of the cat litter box to make it look like the cat got sh*t everywhere. The next morning I come downstairs and my family is complaining about the cat sh*t, so I decide to be funny and pick one up and take a bite out of it and laugh at everybody because I was right about the pretzels looking like sh*t. I take a bite. It’s soft. It’s not a chocolate pretzel, it’s sh*t. My family is howling with laughter as I run to the bathroom. They knew what I had done and replaced my pretzels with actual cat sh*t. I don’t think I can ever show my face around my family again. They keep telling me I can clean the litter box if I get hungry.

17. In early 2010 I was in the hospital for a few weeks with really bad pneumonia, I didn’t realize how bad it was until the day I was discharged when the doctor told me they basically thought I was going to die every day I was there.

On my first day in the ICU, I received an emergency chest tube. Due to the severity of the situation, there was no time to prep, no time to put me under, no time to apply anesthetics. This was the most painful and scary moment of my entire life but that is a whole long story of it’s own.

During my hospital stay, I underwent surgery where they cut into my lung to scrape all the fluid out (called a thoracotomy: warning, gross) and was given 2 new chest tubes. Miraculously, I was discharged a week later with about 40-50 staples in my back and some very strong pain meds to be refilled every two weeks.

Two weeks later (just after getting a fresh bottle of pain meds), I went in for a check up with the doctor. He wanted me to pee in a cup so they could see if the medicine was having any effect on my liver. I peed in the cup and all was well.

I woke up.

The entire doctor’s visit was a very vivid dream. What happened IRL was I got up in the middle of the night, opened my full bottle of pills, and peed in it. By the morning, it was just a sludge of pills that had dissolved into a chalky piss-sludge. I was devastated.

Because I had been given such a strong dose of a highly controlled pill, they could not give me another prescription, so I was stuck in horrible pain (while trying to catch up with my courses) until I could order my scheduled refill.

18. One fine day, I decided to make a quick run to the bank to deposit a check. I arrived and pulled into a parking space and put my car in park. I was looking down and reading a text on my phone when I suddenly noticed my car was rolling forward. I switched into full panic mode. The only thing separating me from the 40 mph traffic in front of me was a small patch of grass that I would be crossing at any moment now. I started pumping my brakes to no avail and decided my best bet now would be to warn the oncoming traffic. So I laid on my horn and began wrestling to get my seat belt off so I could bail out if needed. Keep in mind, because I am being descriptive, it may seem like a while had passed by now, but all of these thoughts and reactions happened within abut a 6 second span of time. Suddenly, my car stopped rolling. I looked up and around trying to figure out what had happened. I glanced at the bewildered drivers in the parked cars on either side of me that I had just rolled past. It was then that I realized that I had not left my parking spot. The other two cars on either side of me had begun backing out at the same time, giving me the sensation that I was moving forward. In other words, a parking lot full of people had just witnessed me pull into a parking spot and then suddenly have what must have seemed to be a complete meltdown; tearing at my seat belt and lying on my horn as I struggled to evade the jaws of death. I decided it was best to leave and go the bank across town instead.

19. So, I’ve been missing my leg for four years now. I’ve adapted quite well. I get around just fine with a prosthetic. However, when I’m at home in my small apartment, I prefer to crawl short distances instead of going through the hassle of putting my prosthetic on. It’s jut more convenient that way. I don’t just hop because in the accident that took my leg, I also maintained compound fractures in all the long bones in my remaining leg, causing the my femur, tibia, and fibula too all be replaced by titanium rods. Hopping on such a leg causes too much stress and pain to my remaining knee cap.

So one night we had some company over to watch scary movies, and I read everyone a few short scary stories. Everyone was pretty spooked before we went to bed. Two friends of mine slept on the couch, and one of them was someone we have never had over before. So this individual had never seen me crawl without my leg on. To describe it, I kind of move like a very slow cheetah who’s missing a hind leg. Like a tri-pod crawl, if that makes sense. So, I suppose it can be unsettling if you’re not expecting it.

In the middle of the night/early morning, I decide to leave my room for a drink. I didn’t turn the hall light on so I wouldn’t disturb my sleeping guests. There’s just enough light coming from the light above the sink to guide me where I needed to go. As I’m turning the corner to enter the kitchen, I see a figure and I hear “OH SH*T WHAT THE FU*K”, next thing I know, I’m getting kicked in the face. I suppose my friend recognized my foul mouth screaming back at him, because then he turned the light on and started apologizing profusely.

20. Greatest/worst thing ever just happened to me, so buckle up folks..it’s story time:

Girl on a dating app tells me in the first few messages that I’m really cute (true) and interesting (also true) and asks me to meet her at 1140am for coffee at a random McDonald’s. When I ask if she’s a 45 year old man trying to harvest my organs, she proceeds to send me 15 pictures in a row that look like they’re straight from Facebook. Because that’s how you convince somebody you’re real (not true).

Now normally I don’t accept propositions like this because I’m thinking “what’s the catch?” Well, I decide to live a little on the YOLO side… and since it’s right next to a Subway Sandwich shop I think that the worst that could happen is it’s a 45 year old lonely man, I give him a big hug because I know the feeling as a 25 year old lonely man, get a tasty sandwich, then go home. Apparently that was NOT the worst thing that could happen.

I show up. She shows up. She’s real. I’m surprised. I buy her coffee because I subscribe to traditional gender roles unless requested otherwise. She uses her McCafe frequent buyers card so she gets stamps. Its cute. While the guy is making her drink, she tells me to go find a table outside in the sun. I go outside and find the perfect g*ddamn table because I’m a romantic at heart. 5 minutes later. 10 minutes later. 15 minutes later. No girl. I text her the typical guy message “lol u get lost???”. No response. Turns out she took the coffee and left.

So I’m not saying it’s bad to leave a date if you feel uncomfortable or aren’t attracted to them. It’s totally your decision. But I don’t think that’s the case… I think this girl is a serial McCafe dater. And I don’t think this was her first time. It was too professional. Too clean. It was the perfect McHeist. And I’m starting to think I’m not even mad… she didn’t steal my credit card, or my organs. Just a few euros and my heart.