16-20 G-rated Jokes

Knight and Squires

16. Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake.
One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

17. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.

18. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
What’s brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
Why did Sally fall off the swing.
Because she had no arms.
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Not Sally.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Where do you find a one legged dog?
Wherever you left it.

19. A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
“It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

20. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.

21-25 G-rated Jokes

Elephant Climbing tree

21. A squirrel is living in a pine tree. One day he feels it shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel asks: “What are you doing climbing my tree?” “Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears,” says the elephant. “You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears.” “Well I brought my own pears.”

22. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick

23. A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants. The bartender asks, “Hey, doesn’t that hurt?” The pirate growls, “Aye, it’s drivin’ me nuts.”

24. What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don’t watch The Flintstones, but the people in ABU DHABI DO!

25. Oscar Wilde is at a public meeting where the audience are quizzing him on certain topics. Mr Wilde is answering questions to and fro when one audience member asks if he can ask about any topic he wants. Wilde replies that he can indeed, as being the master of conversation which he is, he may talk about any subject known to man.
Suggestions once again are being tossed at Wilde, when the same man demands that he speak for as long as he can about the queen.
Wilde takes a deep breath, pauses a moment, shrugs and replies. “Im terrible sorry my good fellow, but the queen as you know is not a subject.”

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Last Update: July 22, 2016

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